and so it begins

Today we had a call to say that our house has its first showing tomorrow night. I knew it was going to be hard, but man, that really hit me. 


Its such a bizarre feeling. I want so badly for this pain to go away and to start to feel "normal" again. I know my old normal is not going to be my new normal but I just want to feel at home somewhere. I know in order to begin this process I need to sell my house, but.... its hard. This house is my home. Its the first house I bought, its the house I brought my daughter home in and the longest place I've lived since I left Mom & Dad's for college.


To think that someone else is going to be walking through my house trying to picture their happy life in it, when I thought I had a happy life in this home, is heart wrenching. When we bought this house I imagined us living in it for years, raising our children here and having them grow up in "one of the best places to raise a family."


Since selling a house is more than just putting a sign out front we are trying to clean and make sure it looks presentable. When I say we, I mainly mean Doug. I told him a few weeks ago that if this is what he wants so badly then it is his responsibility to clean the house from top to bottom to get it to sell.  Never have I seen him work so hard and be dedicated to something so much. Its quite sad really. Shows me that he wants this house to sell fast so he can move on to that greener grass thats on the other side. 


Tonight he was rearranging some things and put some books in a box. The box got heavy and he needed help carrying it to the garage. I can't tell you how many times he and I have lifted boxes, carried heavy things, moved items before, but tonight it was such an awkward moment. He we are doing something so little as carrying a box of "my books" and it all came rushing back to me again.  Doug doesn't love Ashley. 


Every time we do something like this I think, is this going to be the last thing that we do together? Tonight I went to the grocery store after work, so I just picked up fast food on the way home and I texted him to see if he wanted dinner and he said yes. I thought to myself, is this going to be the last time I pick up dinner for us? What is it going to be like the last night we sleep in the same house?


While Im still so hurt and upset about this whole situation and what he is doing to us, he is still my husband. He is my Doug. The one who I've stood beside and he has stood beside me for so long. My husband, my best friend and as he has called it in the past "my other." Knowing that he does not share these same feelings and sadness is unbelievable to me. Thats what hurts the most. 


Every day is a full range of emotions. Sometimes I'll be doing Okay during the day, I may smile, laugh, even crack a joke or two but then someone might say something like, "You seem do be doing really well given the circumstances." Now I know they are being supportive and don't mean any harm by saying this, but sometimes it makes me want to yell out - "No, Im not okay!" 


All I know is the support and love I am getting is unbelievable. I am so lucky to have all the people I do in my life. This won't bring my husband back, but its going to bring Ashley back, I know it. 


Now, time for some free therapy from Dr. Phil