I should totally be packing

hi friends!


Its been way to long...can't wait until my life has a routine again and I can try and blog more often. However, once my life has a routine nobody is going to be interested in the fact that I went to work, came home, fed the dog, ate dinner, played with delaney and then went to bed :) I can't wait to get back into that. 


This Saturday I am moving back to Lima, Ohio.  When the divorce talk started happening I was back and forth for the longest time on whether I should move back to Lima or stay here in Indy. I decided that its best for me and Delaney to move back to where we can be around family. I haven't even moved yet and I'm so glad I made that decision. 


With that said - I don't think I've ever cried so much or slept so little than I have in the past 2 months.  However, I've also never felt so much love in my entire life.  This experience has honestly shown me how blessed I am. The love that I feel now is indescribable. However, I'll try anyways...


My Dad is the best guy I've ever met in my life. Hands down. To be 27 (Hey, Im still 27 for 8.5 more hours) and have such an amazing relationship with my father is so special to me. I can call him up crying and tell him my problems just as easy as I can my best friends. I know thats something not a lot of people can do, and I don't take that for granted. haha however, I'm sure he takes a deep breath every time he sees my number on caller ID hoping I'm happy when he answers :) 


My Mom is a rock in my life. She's there to just be my Mom. She doesn't have to give me the answers and tell me exactly what to do....just being there to talk to me and listen is all I ever need. She supports me when I need to be strong, and she supports me when I'm heart broken and can't be the Ashley she knows. I get my strength from her. 


The rest of my family is just as fantastic as my parents. I still think about how gosh darn lucky I am to have A Brother, a Sister, Nieces, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles & Cousins to show their love so openly. I can only pray that other people going through troubles in their life have the love from family. I thank God daily for giving me this wonderful family. 


My friends....I'd love to name all of you individually because you all are so very important to me. But, i'd probably end up naming every person I've ever met. Thank you thank you thank you for all the texts, cards, phone calls, facebook messages, flowers, you name it. I love you all!


My sweet little Delaney.... You don't read yet - well not that I'm aware of... but you'll read this someday. You are the light of my life. You make me smile and there is nothing that will ever make that stop. I'm your mommy until the day I die and I love more than words can ever say. You've gotten my through such tough times and I know we're going to be stronger because of it. 


I think the most valuable lesson I've learn throughout this whole ordeal is to take a chill pill. Now, I know my personality and I know I'll still totally freak out if I can't find my phone in the bottom of my purse but I hope to take a few moments every day to stop and think about how fortunate I always am. I've got my health, my family, friends and thats all that matters.
Lost things can be replaced, broken hearts can be mended but having unconditional love and support in my life is something I will never take for granted. I hope that each of you takes a little time each day to think about everything we have. We might be tight on money this month, or maybe we go through cars like we change our clothes, but in the end it'll be okay. 


Now, I really need to go back because I'm pretty sure when my family shows up on Thursday, Friday and Saturday to help me move they expect things to be in boxes :)


Here's to being 28 and feeling the love!

garbage dump of a situation

hi friends.

Today I feel like I am at the point where I am truthfully and honestly more than ready to move on and get this selfishness outta my life, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. Now I am realizing that I will be happier outside of this marriage, but I still look back and there is sadness attached to it.

I talked to an old friend today and they said, that in a situation like this, it goes from sappy sad, to happy times, round and round.... eventually it will take a longer time to get back to sad.  Very true. At first, it was sad all the time, then slowly and surely I was getting to be a little happier. Doesn't mean the sad times don't come back, because they do....they're just fewer and farther between.

Doug moved out on Saturday so its been a crazy adjustment. Just a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. I know he loves Delaney and honestly wants the best for her, but its hard knowing that the brunt of it is on my shoulders. I don't have another adult opinion if I need it at 3am and she's screaming. I think thats the hardest part for me. I know I have amazing family, friends and eventually I will have a new someone, but Delaney's parents will ALWAYS be Doug and Ashley. So every decision will be up to us, but with me being primary physical custodial parent, I just feel that weight. Its just never what I imagined my life would be like.

To this day, Im still getting so much support. Its amazing to still be getting cards, messages, flowers, text, etc... truly blessed for my friends and family. I feel so thankful that I am getting to see first hand the work of God and how he brings people into our lives for a reason. I know that God has a plan for me and he is guiding me along the path. Like, I've said before we don't always understand, but we need to trust.

Trust in the lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. - Proverbs 3: 3 - 5

Funny Story to end on.... The other day, I tried to have a heart to heart with Delaney. I told her how much I loved her, I am always here for her, yada yada yada. Im in tears and I finish talking and she looks at me and says, "Elmo!" :) Love that girl to pieces.

onward!

While I never wanted this to happen I am at the point now where it can't happen fast enough. 


I'm ready to move forward with my life. I deserve to be happy and my daughter deserves a family thats going to love her unconditionally. I know that I can give that to her whether I'm alone or not. 


The process is moving right along... paperwork is filed and the attorneys are asking every little question I could think of.... I told my attorney that things are pretty much split up and we agreed on everything - not good enough. I have to write a list up of everything Doug is getting.  To which I say, Really?!? (thats said in my Seth Myers, SNL voice)


My attorney also told me that everything should be final and ready for the judges approval on September 13th. to which I say, Really?! Couldn't it have been on the 12th or the 14th? I told Doug that he was so generous for my birthday this year - a divorce. yay.  I'm sure I'll look back in 15 years when I'm truly and completely happy and realize that is the best gift I've ever received. Now, not so much - but I sure am hopeful!


So the thing I am really struggling with right now.... my name. Ford or Adams, Ford or Adams, Ford or Adams....What on earth do I do? At first I was dead set on keeping it Adams. Thats what Delaney's last name is, so thats what I wanted my last name to be. I think I still had it in my head that a name meant a happy family. How is she going to feel growing up with a different last name then me? Let alone if I ever get married again and have more kids - then she would be the only one in the house with the last name Adams, how does that mess up a kid? Then a friend told me, "It's not about the name Ashley, its about how you love the child unconditionally! If you are there for every child the same way, they won't know any difference." well, Hello!! That brought a whole new light to the situation.  However, I still don't know... Advice is much appreciated. And before I get told  its my decision and its a decision only I can make, blah, blah, blah... ;) Just let me know your thoughts - I'd appreciate it! They're both presidential, so either way its pretty cool! 


I still am SO grateful for the people in my life. I've been comforted by people I've been close with for years, some people I haven't even talked to you in years. Every single person who has reached out to me has blessed me and helped me so much. God is great and I know I will do great things for him in the future. 


Now, maybe I'll get to bed at a decent hour tonight :)  sleep tight friends!

this will not be bitter, this will not be bitter, this will not be bitter

Hi All! Good Sunday afternoon.

Going through a divorce is something nobody can prepare themselves for. Its awful and the worst feeling in the world and it doesn't go away. Well, maybe I should re-word that, I think just one person feels this way. The other is driving to that light at the end of the tunnel. The divorcee however isn't in a car, to be able to drive through a tunnel, much less - see any light whatsoever.

I was googling some quotes that pertained to my situation. I found some I liked so I thought I would put them in here and write my thoughts...


“If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.”
AMEN. Wouldn't we all be so lucky to find our soulmate in the workplace? Just hope he doesn't have a wife and kids at home. But, I guess to some people that doesn't really matter.

“Getting divorced just because you don't love a women is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.”
Absolutely. Marriage is about not only love, but sharing your true compassion, being truthful and completely open and honest with another person. Like a good friend told me,  Life is not about doing whatever makes you happy - Its about being there for others and in turn you will be happy. 


“A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you”
Couldn't agree more. I've come to terms that i will be divorced. Its nothing I wanted or planned for, but its happening. However - A big part of me is gone. I've been told I'll be better off, and I hope so. 


"The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes"
Down the road, Im sure its going to be a very long road - maybe a highway or a river, but whenever I am in a new relationship this will be my motto. I've thought long and hard about how I am going to be able to continue with my life and new relationships. I told my friends, I just don't know how I will ever be able to invest myself fully and not fear the person will betray me and stop loving me one day. They gave me great advice. They said that because they know me and who I am that won't happen. They said I will be able to be happy and in love again. Im really hoping this happens... The above quote explains how in order to be rewarded and fulfilled you have to fully give yourself and heart. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work, but only 1 is needed to make it fail. 


During my (I would say our, but not sure we were both paying attention) pre-marital counseling I was told, Marriage is not 50/50, its 100 & 100. That has stuck with me since I heard it and I will continue to keep that in my head. I think that could be applied to any situation. Friendships, Jobs, Parenting. If both people in a relationship of any kind do not give there all its bound to fail.

Thats all for now! Mommy duty calls - I smell a diaper that needs attention to, laundry needs to be washed and dinner needs to be made.

xoxo
ashley

and so it begins

Today we had a call to say that our house has its first showing tomorrow night. I knew it was going to be hard, but man, that really hit me. 


Its such a bizarre feeling. I want so badly for this pain to go away and to start to feel "normal" again. I know my old normal is not going to be my new normal but I just want to feel at home somewhere. I know in order to begin this process I need to sell my house, but.... its hard. This house is my home. Its the first house I bought, its the house I brought my daughter home in and the longest place I've lived since I left Mom & Dad's for college.


To think that someone else is going to be walking through my house trying to picture their happy life in it, when I thought I had a happy life in this home, is heart wrenching. When we bought this house I imagined us living in it for years, raising our children here and having them grow up in "one of the best places to raise a family."


Since selling a house is more than just putting a sign out front we are trying to clean and make sure it looks presentable. When I say we, I mainly mean Doug. I told him a few weeks ago that if this is what he wants so badly then it is his responsibility to clean the house from top to bottom to get it to sell.  Never have I seen him work so hard and be dedicated to something so much. Its quite sad really. Shows me that he wants this house to sell fast so he can move on to that greener grass thats on the other side. 


Tonight he was rearranging some things and put some books in a box. The box got heavy and he needed help carrying it to the garage. I can't tell you how many times he and I have lifted boxes, carried heavy things, moved items before, but tonight it was such an awkward moment. He we are doing something so little as carrying a box of "my books" and it all came rushing back to me again.  Doug doesn't love Ashley. 


Every time we do something like this I think, is this going to be the last thing that we do together? Tonight I went to the grocery store after work, so I just picked up fast food on the way home and I texted him to see if he wanted dinner and he said yes. I thought to myself, is this going to be the last time I pick up dinner for us? What is it going to be like the last night we sleep in the same house?


While Im still so hurt and upset about this whole situation and what he is doing to us, he is still my husband. He is my Doug. The one who I've stood beside and he has stood beside me for so long. My husband, my best friend and as he has called it in the past "my other." Knowing that he does not share these same feelings and sadness is unbelievable to me. Thats what hurts the most. 


Every day is a full range of emotions. Sometimes I'll be doing Okay during the day, I may smile, laugh, even crack a joke or two but then someone might say something like, "You seem do be doing really well given the circumstances." Now I know they are being supportive and don't mean any harm by saying this, but sometimes it makes me want to yell out - "No, Im not okay!" 


All I know is the support and love I am getting is unbelievable. I am so lucky to have all the people I do in my life. This won't bring my husband back, but its going to bring Ashley back, I know it. 


Now, time for some free therapy from Dr. Phil

welp, here we go...

Never in a million years did I think I would start a blog.


What would I have to say that would be so important to share?


Well that all changed June 23, 2011.


Some of you may know, and some of you not - My husband, Doug, the one who I've been married to for almost 4 years and together with for almost 10 comes out of nowhere saying he doesn't love me anymore.


Now, I admit it... in the past I was a judger. I still am. Something I am working on but I'm human and I judge people. I always thought people who got divorced just didn't work at it or they just gave up. NOT the case. I apologize to everyone who I ever thought that about. I now know that everyone has a different situation and I am NO better then ANYONE else I meet who is in this situation. Bottom line, we just don't know what other people are going through in their personal life and everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. 


To sum it up, Doug just wanted out. He did not want to do any sort of counseling with me to work on our marriage. He went on to tell me I did nothing wrong, I was the perfect wife, its just not the life he wants because he doesn't love me and he can't fake it anymore.  Of course, I was hysterical. I never thought Doug would do this to me. Who was this person that felt so strongly about this decision and just the day before I thought we were happily married?


So the past 3 and a half weeks have been hell. literally hell. I go to bed every night and every day I wake up in this nightmare.


I don't know what the future holds and the answer to why Doug is doing this (I have a good guess, but thats another blog, another time) but I do know that I have the support of my family (including my AMAZING in-laws) and friends. You all have gotten me through this so far...now, I am far far from being through this awful situation but I love knowing that at anytime I can pick up the phone and there are always people to call.  My Mom and Dad are just the most supportive people I've ever met. I love them more than I could ever show, say or type.  Without them, well without them I really wouldn't be here in the first place, but without their support I would probably end up in a shelter somewhere crying in a corner. So thanks to them for being awesome. 


Some people may wonder why would I choose to write a blog and have other people in my personal life because, as I've been told "It's nobody else's business". Well I'm an open person and I want to be proud of the way I live my life. I don't want to hide anything or pretend I'm somebody I'm not. The way I view it is that if I keep it a secret until everything is final people may think that I wanted this, or I gave up. Not true. 


This is who I am. If its not something you would do and you think Im crazy for writing this, then you can stop reading. 


I have been relying on my three favorite men (just like Don McLean says) The father, son and holy ghost to get me through every day. The Lord is someone who will always be there for me and as my wonderful Aunt Jill says, "God sees you through the times when you cannot see clearly" Boy, isn't that the truth? I feel all the prayers and I thank you all. 


I don't know whats going to happen in a year, a month or even next week. That is so hard for me. As many of you know, Im a planner. I planned my life out just like I wanted it and I was on that path. Now its time for me to get out of the drivers' seat and take a ride. 


I just wanted to share whats going on in my life and to start a new. Surprisingly, this has been quite therapeutic. I hope to continue to write what Im feeling & thinking because sometimes it just feels right to let it all out. 


thats all for now, thanks for all the love and support.