hi friends.
Today I feel like I am at the point where I am truthfully and honestly more than ready to move on and get this selfishness outta my life, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. Now I am realizing that I will be happier outside of this marriage, but I still look back and there is sadness attached to it.
I talked to an old friend today and they said, that in a situation like this, it goes from sappy sad, to happy times, round and round.... eventually it will take a longer time to get back to sad. Very true. At first, it was sad all the time, then slowly and surely I was getting to be a little happier. Doesn't mean the sad times don't come back, because they do....they're just fewer and farther between.
Doug moved out on Saturday so its been a crazy adjustment. Just a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. I know he loves Delaney and honestly wants the best for her, but its hard knowing that the brunt of it is on my shoulders. I don't have another adult opinion if I need it at 3am and she's screaming. I think thats the hardest part for me. I know I have amazing family, friends and eventually I will have a new someone, but Delaney's parents will ALWAYS be Doug and Ashley. So every decision will be up to us, but with me being primary physical custodial parent, I just feel that weight. Its just never what I imagined my life would be like.
To this day, Im still getting so much support. Its amazing to still be getting cards, messages, flowers, text, etc... truly blessed for my friends and family. I feel so thankful that I am getting to see first hand the work of God and how he brings people into our lives for a reason. I know that God has a plan for me and he is guiding me along the path. Like, I've said before we don't always understand, but we need to trust.
Trust in the lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. - Proverbs 3: 3 - 5
Funny Story to end on.... The other day, I tried to have a heart to heart with Delaney. I told her how much I loved her, I am always here for her, yada yada yada. Im in tears and I finish talking and she looks at me and says, "Elmo!" :) Love that girl to pieces.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
onward!
While I never wanted this to happen I am at the point now where it can't happen fast enough.
I'm ready to move forward with my life. I deserve to be happy and my daughter deserves a family thats going to love her unconditionally. I know that I can give that to her whether I'm alone or not.
The process is moving right along... paperwork is filed and the attorneys are asking every little question I could think of.... I told my attorney that things are pretty much split up and we agreed on everything - not good enough. I have to write a list up of everything Doug is getting. To which I say, Really?!? (thats said in my Seth Myers, SNL voice)
My attorney also told me that everything should be final and ready for the judges approval on September 13th. to which I say, Really?! Couldn't it have been on the 12th or the 14th? I told Doug that he was so generous for my birthday this year - a divorce. yay. I'm sure I'll look back in 15 years when I'm truly and completely happy and realize that is the best gift I've ever received. Now, not so much - but I sure am hopeful!
So the thing I am really struggling with right now.... my name. Ford or Adams, Ford or Adams, Ford or Adams....What on earth do I do? At first I was dead set on keeping it Adams. Thats what Delaney's last name is, so thats what I wanted my last name to be. I think I still had it in my head that a name meant a happy family. How is she going to feel growing up with a different last name then me? Let alone if I ever get married again and have more kids - then she would be the only one in the house with the last name Adams, how does that mess up a kid? Then a friend told me, "It's not about the name Ashley, its about how you love the child unconditionally! If you are there for every child the same way, they won't know any difference." well, Hello!! That brought a whole new light to the situation. However, I still don't know... Advice is much appreciated. And before I get told its my decision and its a decision only I can make, blah, blah, blah... ;) Just let me know your thoughts - I'd appreciate it! They're both presidential, so either way its pretty cool!
I still am SO grateful for the people in my life. I've been comforted by people I've been close with for years, some people I haven't even talked to you in years. Every single person who has reached out to me has blessed me and helped me so much. God is great and I know I will do great things for him in the future.
Now, maybe I'll get to bed at a decent hour tonight :) sleep tight friends!
I'm ready to move forward with my life. I deserve to be happy and my daughter deserves a family thats going to love her unconditionally. I know that I can give that to her whether I'm alone or not.
The process is moving right along... paperwork is filed and the attorneys are asking every little question I could think of.... I told my attorney that things are pretty much split up and we agreed on everything - not good enough. I have to write a list up of everything Doug is getting. To which I say, Really?!? (thats said in my Seth Myers, SNL voice)
My attorney also told me that everything should be final and ready for the judges approval on September 13th. to which I say, Really?! Couldn't it have been on the 12th or the 14th? I told Doug that he was so generous for my birthday this year - a divorce. yay. I'm sure I'll look back in 15 years when I'm truly and completely happy and realize that is the best gift I've ever received. Now, not so much - but I sure am hopeful!
So the thing I am really struggling with right now.... my name. Ford or Adams, Ford or Adams, Ford or Adams....What on earth do I do? At first I was dead set on keeping it Adams. Thats what Delaney's last name is, so thats what I wanted my last name to be. I think I still had it in my head that a name meant a happy family. How is she going to feel growing up with a different last name then me? Let alone if I ever get married again and have more kids - then she would be the only one in the house with the last name Adams, how does that mess up a kid? Then a friend told me, "It's not about the name Ashley, its about how you love the child unconditionally! If you are there for every child the same way, they won't know any difference." well, Hello!! That brought a whole new light to the situation. However, I still don't know... Advice is much appreciated. And before I get told its my decision and its a decision only I can make, blah, blah, blah... ;) Just let me know your thoughts - I'd appreciate it! They're both presidential, so either way its pretty cool!
I still am SO grateful for the people in my life. I've been comforted by people I've been close with for years, some people I haven't even talked to you in years. Every single person who has reached out to me has blessed me and helped me so much. God is great and I know I will do great things for him in the future.
Now, maybe I'll get to bed at a decent hour tonight :) sleep tight friends!
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